Non-Member Family and LDS Temple Weddings
Including Inactive or Non-Mormon Parents in Your Temple Wedding Day
Oct 17, 2009
The temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS or Mormon) has specific criteria for entrance, including membership in the LDS church and adherence to certain commandments. Planning an LDS temple marriage can be difficult for couples with non-member or inactive family members who do not qualify for temple recommends.
Is there any way to make the wedding day less painful for parents who can't come to the temple sealing of their son or daughter? While there is probably no way to eliminate hurt feelings completely, there is much that a Latter-day Saint couple can do to ease them.
Explain Temple Recommends Well in Advance
Mormons must be especially sensitive when explaining that only members with a temple recommend can enter the Mormon temple. Couples can ensure that parents who can't attend the sealing understand the situation well in advance, preferably even before the engagement.
Parents who have been dreaming of walking a daughter down the aisle for 20 years will probably need time to absorb and digest the news. It's generally best to maintain a sensitive and understanding stance, while avoiding a response that's angry or defensive.
Describe LDS Temple Weddings to Non-Member Family
As much as possible, acquaint inactive or non-member family members with the temple. Visit temple grounds, show them interior pictures from the distribution center, share appropriate LDS literature on the temple, and explain the logistics of what happens in a sealing ceremony.
It's best to ensure that family members realize that the temple sealing is a short religious ordinance: they're not missing an elaborate or showy ceremony.
Share Personal Feelings About the Temple Sealing
Mormon couples must realize that non-member or inactive family members may not "get" why a temple marriage is important to you, so share your reasons for choosing a temple sealing. Parents are more likely to be supportive if they understand that it's truly what their child wants instead of something that's required by their church.
The couple can emphasize that they wish the individual could be present; this is not about wanting to exclude or punish them for not being an active Mormon.
Including Inactive Parents in an LDS Temple Wedding
Include parents' input in other aspects of wedding planning, like dress shopping and flowers. Take pictures as a family outside the temple before or after the sealing. Hold a reception afterward to celebrate with friends, relatives, and parents who can't attend the temple wedding itself. Make a special toast or speech thanking them publicly at the reception.
Have a Wedding Ring Ceremony Afterward
Even if non-member family members could attend the temple sealing, to non-Mormons, a temple wedding would probably not be very meaningful. There is no walking down an aisle, music, or even the exchange of rings. Non-member friends and family would probably get a lot more out of a ring ceremony held at the reception.
According to the LDS church's General Handbook of Instructions, "the meeting may include a prayer and special music, followed by the remarks of a priesthood leader." It does caution, however, that a ring exchange should not turn into a second wedding or minimize the importance of the temple sealing. It cautions that "no ceremony should be performed, and no vows should be exchanged.”
Arrange for Someone to Wait with Them Outside the Temple
Friends and family without temple recommends should not be left to wait alone outside the temple. A family member who is eligible to attend the sealing could be asked to voluntarily skip the sealing and wait outside with them. Some LDS couples with part-member families even ask that all family members wait in the temple lobby together, whether they have temple recommends or not.
Only Invite a Small Number of LDS Temple Wedding Guests
The guest list at any temple sealing should always be limited to family and very close friends, but this is especially true for Mormon temple marriage when non-members are concerned. Inviting the entire ward or a large group of friends and extended family only adds insult to injury for a parent who can't attend the sealing.
LDS Church Leaders Advise Against Having a Civil Ceremony First
Though it's possible to have a civil ceremony and then be sealed in the temple one year later, LDS church leaders don't recommend this course of action. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "[For an active Mormon] There is no substitute for marrying in the temple. It is the only place under the heavens where marriage can be solemnized for eternity. Don’t cheat yourself. Don’t cheat your companion. Don’t shortchange your lives." For some, postponing a temple marriage in favor of a civil ceremony is believed to devalue the sacred nature of the temple sealing.
A parent who learns they are not allowed at their son's wedding in the Mormon temple or can't go to their daughter's Mormon temple wedding will understandably be shocked, hurt, or angry. But by keeping open communication and being sensitive of their feelings, brides and grooms can help their families to understand temple marriage and feel included in their special day.
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